Oct 12 2014

Why how far Ive come

26 Days and in counting! Feeling extraordinary! I have energy, the will to stick with it and more money. Why did I not do this earlier? I can't stand the smell of smoke now, it's overpowering and disgusting!

However on the downside, my daughters been diagnosed with acute asthma in the last few weeks and has suffered from 2 serious attacks. I caused that..... smoking around her. I really just want to take it all back but I can't, so I am going to try to make a positive future for her to grow up in!
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Sep 29 2014


Wow! I'm gone for a few days and come back to find myself in double digits :) Life is great! Its beautiful outside today and I'm finding myself with sooo much more energy!! Thank you to those who helped me get through!
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Sep 22 2014

Lifting above it all

So even though I wasn't motivated at all, I managed to remain on the right path all weekend. Thanks to your wonderful comments. Thankyou! Tomorrow is the completion of week one and I am feeling so much more confident and positive about it now! :)

Hope everyone's weekend was fab!
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Sep 20 2014

Missing the socal side

So I i unexpectedly went out last night, and by went out I meant to the local pub. It was the first proper outing since before having summer 2ish years ago. I remember always spending time outside. Like literally always outside having a smoke. And within an hour or two I was bored in my boots! No one inside talks to each other AT all. It's like a whole different world. Of course I had two of my non-smoking friends with me.....Wow soooo much boring conversation.

Anyway, it was a bit of a fail of a night. I even asked if we could sit in the smoking area and they weren't having a bar of it! Pfft.....

So I'm on Day 5.... Quite proud..... but super bored and starting to lose motivation!!!! There is nothing to reward myself with during work and no social times anymore with anyone remotely interesting.
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Sep 19 2014

Why do we have them

Children! Gahhhh! Tantrum throwing toddlers! Gahhhh! Remind me again why we have them? Lets just say thank god I get to pawn mine off to daycare at 10.30am.

I don't often complain about Summer and usually I have a lot more patience with her but today..... today she's testing me!

However I'm onto day 4! (I think).... Thankyou everyone for your support!
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Sep 18 2014

Dreaming of Cheating

Yesterday (Day 2) was hard, I'm not using the patches or the gum basically because I feel I can do this by myself. I wouldn't be anywhere near day two without everyone on here's support, so boy was I wrong.

Last night I dreamt I had a ciggie and woke up this morning feeling oddly satisfied. Today is payday though so being able to buy more may be difficult.

Bring on Day 3!!!
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Sep 17 2014

No longer the scumbag

I don't know if any of you have ever played Kings and Assholes/ or Presidents and scumbags but basically if you are the only one left with cards in your hand

That's how I've been feeling lately a bit like the 'last one on the non-smoking train' especially in the snobby coffee groups that mothers have to attend!

But I'm proud to say that I managed the whole day yesterday without a cigarette! The whole day!!! that is 8 cigarettes I went without.

I'm no longer the scumbag, I may have just moved up to vice president!

P.S Whoever suggested sipping water, it was a HUGE help! So thankyou!
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Sep 16 2014

Going through everything like undies

I'm a big phase person, I'll do something for a while, enjoy it, commit to it, freak out because I've committed, get bored with commitment and drop the idea, person or thing to move on to the next.

At 24, I've had 22 jobs since leaving high school, far too many boyfriends too count, far too many girlfriends to count, Lived in every major place in NZ, been through multiple "BFFs", ventured into three unnsuccessful businesses,and taken up a new hobby every week, however I've always smoked.

It's like my only consistent element to my life. Well it was the only thing until Summer came along. Now she is my consistent element, I don't feel like I need cigarettes to save me in tough situations, just a giggle out of her will do.

Now I just smoke for pure enjoyment and reward, there is no reason behind it, I'm not stressed, I'm not seeking a coping mechanism, I just enjoy having a cigarette after a morning, afternoon or day of mum duties.

Identifying this is great! I love being honest about who I really am and knowing that I won't be judged.

I am a phase person and I no longer want to be committed to smoking!
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Sep 15 2014

Praying for the Agnostic

I've only prayed for something I really want 5 times in my life. You see we never went to church when we were little and we certainly weren't made to pray for anything as we were fully blessed with everything thanks to our hard working parents.

The first time I prayed was when I was about 8 and REALLY wanted the lead in the school play even though someone else had already been given the girl lead. Low and behold 3 weeks later after many a tantrum; I was given the boy lead solos!! Pfft! What did I care, I could pass off as a guy at that age quite easily and I ruled at it.

The second time I prayed was at the age of 10 when mum had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. (Let's just put it out there; she never smoked). She was only given a few months to live. I prayed that her time on earth could be stretched so we could spend more time with her.

The third time I prayed wasn't long after, just before turning 12. It was horrible to see mum in so much pain as she battled, I just wanted it to stop. I also realised that the last prayer was extremely selfish of me. 15 months after her diagnosis the cancer won it's battle. I think back now and maybe I should have prayed for a miracle.

The fourth time I prayed was after 6 years of trying to conceive a baby at Age 22. Summer arrived by my 23rd birthday.

The fifth time I prayed was just over a week ago; I asked for help, I needed help. The week before I had to scrounge every last cent from the couch to attempt to buy some milk for our daughter. It was horrifying knowing that we had smokes to last yet not milk. I wanted to quit. I'd done it before while pregnant but had taken it back up with ease. We are back at the same position this week but our baby unfortunately has to go without (luckily at toddler stage so it's okay) until payday.

Last week I started feeling ill every time I had a puff. The prayer had worked, now to stick with it. I want every last cent of my smoke money to benefit my child and to make up for the hideous mistake I made of taking smoking up.
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