In the real world, I have no friends. There are four ladies that I have met through my children who I occasionally see for play dates and the likes, but no one close that I can confide in. I had two best friends, I married one and the other was my Mum, who was the person that I would always call upon on days like yesterday. When she passed away, my heart broke and I am still so totally lost without her.

But here, I have some truly amazing cyber friends and I am so glad that I turned to you all yesterday. Thanks to your heartfelt comments, the sharing of your own stories, my hope has returned and today I am feeling so much better about myself.

I cried all afternoon yesterday. Hubby got home and seemed so angry with me, I moped and kept to myself but when I went to bed (at the very late hour of 8:30!) he came in and apologised, said he had not handled my phone call well but wasn’t sure what I wanted him to say. I told him I had just wanted some support, to be told that I was not a complete failure. Thank goodness he doesn’t think I am useless and he believes in me.

Yes, I have issues. I’ve been struggling with depression since my Mum passed away and am trying really hard to put into practice all the tools my counsellor has given me. I am trying to make so many personal changes all at once and I get really down on myself when none of it works. I guess I do need the happy pills but I don’t want to take them while pregnant so am trying to manage the best I can. In all honesty, I have to admit that I really have come a long way and I do need to cut myself some slack because I AM getting there, just not at the speed I want!

I desperately want to quit smoking, it is not something I am trying to force because the desire is there and I certainly felt ready to embark on this journey on Monday. I can’t understand how I can want something so badly and yet sabotage my efforts every time. I guess I still have a lot of learning to do?

I am overwhelmed by the support I received from you all yesterday. A fresh rush of tears overcame me this morning as I read all your comments. I can’t say enough how appreciative I am that so many of you took the time to read my sorry outpouring and to then reply. THANK YOU seems too small a statement, but it comes from the bottom of my heart and with the utmost gratitude.

As stubborn as the mule I believed I was, I have reset my date again. And if I have to, I’ll damn well reset it again and again and again, until I finally conquer this demon. This is thanks to you guys, for I doubt I would ever have had the courage or self-belief or found the strength to keep going without all of your support.

Thank you for being there for me, for understanding, for not judging and for caring.

All my love,
H ♥

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Comments

  • avatar-icon
    Ralph Munch said:
    15 January 2014

    aw shucks Heiro :(



    I haven't been on here for a long while as I reset my attitude and resolve. I feel it takes great courage to blog when things aren't going so well. If you were local, I can assure you that the munches would meet for a coffee even if it's just on the back if your excellent reading choices lol.

    hang in there. I'll be cantering alongside you soon :)

  • avatar-icon
    DragonLips said:
    15 January 2014

    Soo glad you are feeling a little better today Heiro. We luvs ya!

  • avatar-icon
    Stoked said:
    15 January 2014

    That's the spirit! Reading your blog today shows me how strong a person you are! MWAH and BIG HUGS.

  • avatar-icon
    Emmy girl said:
    15 January 2014

    Aw Heiro.. I would be your friend in 'real life'. I have a few very loyal friends and I am loyal to them. Quality verses quantity ;-)

    You are clearly loved and am stoked you are feeling better today. I know how it feels when everyone comes to your aid with supportive comments it breaks me too.

    I have no doubt you will smash that demon when the time is right. ♥

  • avatar-icon
    rainbowfish said:
    15 January 2014

    "Let's dance, put on your red shoes and dance the blues" - that's the spirit Heiro.

    I bet I know you better than I do some of my friends, with what we share on here, and I'm sure we'd get on beautifully. The way it works here is 'virtual' but your friends here are very real!

    Glad that things are more positive today lovely, chiny-chin-chin up:0) xx

  • avatar-icon
    PSPSP said:
    15 January 2014

    Heiro I told you yesterday that you would get a gold medal for your blogs. I am going to upgrade that to a gold medal and bar.



    Crying and communication are good.



    And watch out for Mr Munch cantering along beside you in his Qman outfit-utility belt at the ready.



    With your ability to write, I would really love you to contribute to Rothy-volume 2.

  • avatar-icon
    Pop's said:
    15 January 2014

    I have Friends. Lot's of them. Most of them are my Cyber Friends. I count myself blessed that unlike my tangible Friends who have in the past been sometimes critical of me & somewhat judgemental. that my Cyber Friends have never turned away from me, have unselfishly shared their experiences with me & have totally supported me. They are always there & i love them. We share our joys & sorrows, we ask for advice, which is freely given & we give advice.

    We are Family & we are here for each & every one of us.

    You are my Friend. In the past you have made me happy. You still do. We have shared so many things that it seems that i have known you a whole life time. But it is only about 15 months. During this time, you & i have touched base on so many issues. You can read me so well, like the time i got annoyed & stopped Blogging. You got me back with that Picture of footprints. You are very perceptive H & i am extremely thankful that you are here & of course my friend.

    I am perceptive as well, and i know that what you want at the moment is to be rid of the addiction that plagues so many of us.



    So. New Date set. Bring it on & the Community will do it's damnest to exorcise that demon that is causing so much mischief.



    Like someone said in a unrelated Blog. "It will Happen, maybe not overnight but it will happen"



    Love you.

  • avatar-icon
    runes said:
    15 January 2014

    You are very welcome Heiro. I have had some shocking days particularly last year which found me sobbing and gulping for air in the wee hours of the morning parked in my car in the middle of nowhere...Tis life poppet and i am so glad to see you feeling better and smelling the roses.

  • avatar-icon
    Ladylene said:
    15 January 2014

    Ditto . I'm so glad you are feeling more positive today Heiro .. those times always pass hey ... just super hard when you are in the middle of them. Disappointment sucks big time! But my .. the determination and courage you possess is stamped all over your blogs and for that reason you will definitely make it!



    We all give up smoking in different ways Heiro and no two people are the same .. you find the way that works for you and learn as you go. I for one (after 40 years) have taken all the help I can get. I am doing the patches but not the lozenges or gum (can't do aspartame). But my little saviour on a really bad day is my E-ciggie (non nicotine of course). When all else fails and its overwhelming I reach for it.



    I agree with Emmy girl too .. quality is better than quantity .. look for those stick-with-you-no-matter-what kind of friends and hold on to them. Everyone has 'fair-weather-friends'.



    Your hubby sounds really supportive .. if I've learned anything about men (including my Handsome Hubby) its that they like to 'fix' everything .. if they can't fix it they usually don't want to know about it because it makes them feel powerless. Men HATE to feel powerless. The concept of 'just listening' is quite foreign to them. Yours appears to be coming right out of his 'cave' though .. cool!



    Hang in there .. yes isn't the support on here amazing!

  • avatar-icon
    trouty said:
    15 January 2014

    happy you feel better today

  • avatar-icon
    Saffron said:
    15 January 2014

    When making personal changes, I think it's very important to take it slowly and gently. Speedy changes don't "stick". That's what I've discovered for myself. Also, changes can occur so incrementally that you barely notice until one day, you think, "Oh! I did it!"

    Believe in yourself because you absolutely do have courage and strength ♥♥♥

  • avatar-icon
    Buddy said:
    15 January 2014

    Hi Heiro, So pleased you are feeling better today, We all belong to this fantastic Family here on the Blogs and it is that what keeps me going ((Hugs))

  • avatar-icon
    Gabby38 said:
    15 January 2014

    What Saffron is saying is totally on the button, perhaps too many changes. You have such alot going on. It's like smoking and the weight issue one thing at a time. Be kind to you and very very very patient with yourself. You may have play date friends, but wrap yourself in the love you can feel from here. When the time is right I have no doubt you will quit. With depression and losing your mum makes things so much harder, I know. Take really good care of you.

    Small baby steps to start. Not trying to do it all at once.

  • avatar-icon
    kbayhale said:
    15 January 2014

    Hi Heiro, I am so glad you are feeling better today that's the way, I think your counsellor is right you have a lot on your plate and are trying to heal over to manys things at miracle speed.

    I to am very close with my mother and if she were to pass, well I am giving myself two years and them tow years I will spend just practicing breathing, If there is one thing I do know and that's when we are grieving even smiling is an effort, I lost my father and boy that took me many many years to deal with, Even now at the drop of a hat I can be in tears, there is just no one to replace our parents.



    on top you are having a baby (which is by the way what got me through the grief of my father, even though I did not know it at the time, Now my son is 18 and I know how much his little life helped me) ,



    And then of course the nicodemon.



    Well my friend your plate is plenty full, Please please fell so proud of your self for just waking up, fopr thinking of someone other than who you have lost, for beathing, for still loving.



    You are amazing

  • avatar-icon
    Julz1981 said:
    15 January 2014

    I think you get a really good sense of people from the blogs. You have taught me a lot about myself recently without realising it. Sometimes I feel really powerless in supporting you even really sad/annoyed. I have reflected and found out I have these feelings because how you are and feel is exactly how I was when I was trying to stop drinking (alcoholic) (powerlessness again).



    I can't write down exactly what the feelings were, but sometimes I felt my feelings would kill me (they were that intense). There is something about the word 'failure' and what that means to you.



    Perfection is striving for something that doesn’t exist. Because it doesn’t exist, it’s unattainable, and you’ll always be left feeling lack and as though you’re not good enough. When you think about it, what do we have that’s actually perfect? We often refer to something like “the perfect day” because we FEEL a certain way, but in and of itself, the actual day was not perfect.

    Excellence, on the other hand, does exist. Striving for excellence means striving for YOUR personal best. It is a healthy mentality of wanting to improve what in your life is not working while, at the same time, celebrating what is.



    You are right, you are totally getting somewhere. Every time you get back up you get closer to YOUR achievement. I lost my father (at 14 years old), I didn't have tools to cope with him dying (hence the alcohol use); I started counselling last year in May, it has helped so much. I believe everyone has the answers, you hold the answers, but sometimes it is nice to be guided.



    Heiro, it takes so much courage to speak honestly and openly like you are doing. Please continue to do this.



    You are a star and so loved.

    You have so many friends here.

  • avatar-icon
    Dart99 said:
    15 January 2014

    Heiro, hugs to you. We are all on this journey with different reasons, different backgrounds, different stories and lives but with more than one common goal.



    We want to be smokefree, yes, and that is probably the first reason that brings us here to this blog. What keeps us returning to this blog, hourly or daily, or weekly....? Our friends here. The words given to us that have touched our hearts, minds and spirits. The encouragement that has spurred us on, given us that extra boost of faith that we couldn't quite grasp on our own.



    Your journey to smokefree might be more of a Lara Croft:Tombraider adventure than your average Disney movie, but I know there are plenty of valued friends here who will walk

    in front of you to light your way: beside you to show unity: and behind you to help you forward.

  • avatar-icon
    Sexymwahz said:
    15 January 2014

    Glad you not feeling too hard on yourself. Rather than re-setting your quitdate. Have yiur quit date and have your 12 week programme and see how you progress over the first 12 weeks. We are more than friends.. We are Whanau.. I believe this solidly. I think of you and lil adorable that grows inside of you on most days. I also thiink of you and yah beautiful lileez.. You are amazing. You are empowering. You are a Strong determined beautiful woman. You definately need to put yourself first and today you have done that.. Be proud that your beautiful Mum is an angel and watches over you and your beautiful lileez.. Maybe you should go visit her at the Urupa. To unleash and get some kind of grounding. If you can't do this light a candle. Live the legacy of her grandest memories Heiro. She lives within you and your beautiful lilleez.. Im so pleased you have a very supportive partner who is your best friend and soul companion.

    I love reading your blogs and ii love those that comment because you are Unique in your beautiful way and can call for angelz many afar to come out and play.. Enjoy your smokefree evening Heiro ~mw(",)h~

  • avatar-icon
    Proud Mumma said:
    15 January 2014

    Gorgeous lady we love you too pieces and will always be here for you.

    I understand your feeling about not having alot of real life friends. But a couple of good friends is a whole lot better than a group of fake friends.

    I hope you are feeling better than you were. hang in there and all the for Monday. We will be here cheering you on form the side lines.

    Much much love to you sweet lady. take care and be kind to yourself. Maybe some Heiro time alone is what you need..

    xxxxxx :) :) :)

  • avatar-icon
    Dididi said:
    15 January 2014

    Ladylene has hit the nail on the head, chin up girl you so can do this,with the support of those who love you anything is possible.

  • avatar-icon
    Harlequin26 said:
    15 January 2014

    Hang in there and keep reading the blogs, you will get to the point where you feel strong again. I know how hard it is to want something so much but sabotaging yourself at the same time. The great bit is you can come on here and vent and get inspiration and we all enjoy reading your blogs and supporting you through this journey.

  • avatar-icon
    Thunderbirds are go said:
    15 January 2014

    :)) xxx

  • avatar-icon
    josienz1958 said:
    15 January 2014

    You certainly sound better today - so pleased! Day by day, little by little you will gain the strength you need to quit, I am sure of it. Keep up that fighting spirit.

    Being pregnant sure isn't going to help your moods hun so be VERY kind to yourself - I am sure your mum is looking after you from afar and is hugging you even though you may not feel it.

  • avatar-icon
    Kathry said:
    15 January 2014

    So glad to read your blog today, I was worried about you. So many things are daunting but you keep working on them ... a great approach and character. Hugs ( and count me as a friend )

  • avatar-icon
    Yorkshire Lass said:
    15 January 2014

    Heiro, I`m at a loss for words here,,,just wish I could give you a great big HUG.xxxx Take care, go easy on yourself and God Bless You.xxxx

  • avatar-icon
    PokuruGirl said:
    15 January 2014

    Well, you've got a tonne of friends on this site Heiro, and although we may not "know" you in real life, we're all willing to don the armour and stand side by side with you for this battle. We don't care if you try a kazillion times, we will still have your back.



    None of us can heal the pain of your mum's passing. Only time can do that. Just love the ones you're with and be gentle and kind to yourself.



    Never, ever give up on quitting doll. One day, that special day, it will fall into place.

  • avatar-icon
    Kiwi jean said:
    15 January 2014

    I always envy people with lots of friends. Everyone thinks I would have loads of friends because I'm very outgoing but I find it very hard to let people into my life.

  • avatar-icon
    Darja said:
    15 January 2014

    Xx don't leave me now! I have only just come back!! See u soon!

  • avatar-icon
    Southern Man said:
    15 January 2014

    So so pleased to see that you are feeling a lot better today..............It has to be said that quitline is one big supportive family, and when someone needs support we are all there for each other......There are so so many amazing people on here that give unrelenting advice and support everyday.......Truly awesome......I think Pop's summed in up perfectly when he said " We share our joys & sorrows, we ask for advice, which is freely given & we give advice. We are Family & we are here for each & every one of us"................Take care Heiro ................................

  • avatar-icon
    josie9001 said:
    15 January 2014

    so glad you are feeling better.. how can anyone who has the courage to come on here and blog like you be a failure??? no flipping way! its a tough time for you and you need to go easy on yourself. No thanks are ever required - that's what we are here for.. and as for the reset button.. that's exactly what that is for also and if you need to push it.. then just keep doing it until you don't need to anymore!

  • avatar-icon
    Taniwani said:
    15 January 2014

    loves and hugs to you. xox Stop beating yourself up. You will quit when you quit. I wish you were local - I'd love to have u as a friend. I think we may have alot in common. keep ur head up sweets

  • avatar-icon
    Maanu said:
    15 January 2014

    I feel like a real clutz sugesting you should get happy pills I knew you were pregnant but somehow that slipped my mind. You seemed overwrought and now i know why. Of course you will be emotional with all those hormones and with the prospect of quitting. It's perfectly natural. Doesn't make it any easier to bear.. I apologise for my insensitive comment and thank you for not taking offense. Go ahead and cry or scream or do whatever you feel like doing. You know you have our love and respect. Take good care of your fine self and know we all care for you and the baby that is on it's way

  • avatar-icon
    Selly said:
    15 January 2014

    (((((( hugs))))))) always here our friend; x

  • avatar-icon
    Winn0401 said:
    15 January 2014

    Pleased things are going better today! You will get passed your problems. Some advice given to me by a very wise woman - "if you will laugh about this in 30 years, don't sweat it now". That lady was MY mum, dead and sorely missed for over 20 years. I do believe she still watches over me though, as I am sure your mum does. I am also sure she would like to kick my a$$e at times! Take care, and lots of love coming your way

  • avatar-icon
    Elevtheria said:
    16 January 2014

    Lots of hugs and kisses :) xxx

  • avatar-icon
    NZMum2Two said:
    16 January 2014

    《《《《《《《《《 signing up to be your friend too. We are all here for you!!! Depression is a horrible thing. I have battled it for 20 years. Sometimes you just wanna curl up and let life pass by but it just seems to get harder sometimes. Throw quitting in there and you get to be me quitting for her 6th time over the years. You have a mass of supporters/friends in here and one way or another we are gonna get you there chicky. Head up. Be strong. And when you are ready let's try again. ♡♥♡

  • avatar-icon
    yas01 said:
    16 January 2014

    Hero, pleased that u r feeling better today.

    it takes courage to blog and admit the struggles. don't b embrassed or scared you r doing great.

    I believe in u and know that u will succeed.

    u know how to get hold of me if ya need to

  • avatar-icon
    clarence the cat said:
    16 January 2014

    Saffron said it all.

    Heiro you will achieve your SMOKEFREE goal. When it happens you will wonder why you were so stewed up about it . I believe my Mum is still watching out for me, after 6 years and yours will be too. Relax and keep your goal in sight, but don't let it keep tripping you up. When it comes to friends I think good quality is far superior to great quantities. Take care.XX

  • avatar-icon
    Marje said:
    16 January 2014

    love Rainbowfish's comment about Red Shoes and dancing



    Your Mum will be so proud of you - I know my Mum is - maybe they 'know' each other now.



    Stick with it Heiro - everyone on here is sending cyber hugs and positive thoughts

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  • avatar-icon
    magenta said:
    16 January 2014

    Hi Herio , firstly thanks for your support the other day.



    You may think that you are hopeless and useless , BUT you my friend ( and I mean that ) have just stopped me from returning to bed ( yes it is 10.50 am ) to wollow in self pity. I am constantly tired , have put on 4.5 kgs over Christmas ( even though I am a Weight Watchers member ) and keep wanting a smoke ! So decided to go back to bed and stagnate / feel sorry for myself some more. However fortunately just check blogs on here - you have once again zapped me out of myself and back on track , so thank you so much . Due to you being a very useful person who instills hope into me I am now getting off my sorry backside to have a shower , go to the supermarket , make my boys lunch and then do some gardening.

  • avatar-icon
    Enya1 said:
    16 January 2014

    Hello Heiro, just read your blog from yesterday and today. Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

    Seems you have a lot going on in your life - losing your Mum and being pregnant, both being enough to make you cry

    Look at all the comments on your blog and draw strength from them as often as you need to. You are not a failure because you had one smoke. You are a beautiful and worthwhile person.

    Hugs :)

  • avatar-icon
    Crusader1 said:
    16 January 2014

    Keep at it heiro and you will prevail. I am proud to be your virtual friend.

  • avatar-icon
    Thunderbirds are go said:
    16 January 2014

    P.S. I forgot to mention that I didn't quit smoking until I was 60, so that puts you WAY AHEAD of me :)

  • avatar-icon
    Dididi said:
    17 January 2014

    How are you feeling, hope you found some strength and feel better about yourself, you are an amazing person and have helped me in my short time being smokefree, thanks for that. Stay strong and most important be happy

  • avatar-icon
    Me said:
    20 August 2018

    Your not alone in this, I too am finding it hard..the other day I was told that it should be easy for me as I’m a Solo Mum and that I could easily quit! Um news flash people it’s called an Addiction for a reason! Anyway I’ve fallen off and got back on and fallen off many times, however just remember there are people out there going through the same your not alone, keep fighting these demons take everyday as a blessing to get yourself up each and every morning be kind to yourself, self talk kind words and just keep smiling. I believe in you, you are amazing!!