By heironymusIn the real world, I have no friends. There are four ladies that I have met through my children who I occasionally see for play dates and the likes, but no one close that I can confide in. I had two best friends, I married one and the other was my Mum, who was the person that I would always call upon on days like yesterday. When she passed away, my heart broke and I am still so totally lost without her.
But here, I have some truly amazing cyber friends and I am so glad that I turned to you all yesterday. Thanks to your heartfelt comments, the sharing of your own stories, my hope has returned and today I am feeling so much better about myself.
I cried all afternoon yesterday. Hubby got home and seemed so angry with me, I moped and kept to myself but when I went to bed (at the very late hour of 8:30!) he came in and apologised, said he had not handled my phone call well but wasn’t sure what I wanted him to say. I told him I had just wanted some support, to be told that I was not a complete failure. Thank goodness he doesn’t think I am useless and he believes in me.
Yes, I have issues. I’ve been struggling with depression since my Mum passed away and am trying really hard to put into practice all the tools my counsellor has given me. I am trying to make so many personal changes all at once and I get really down on myself when none of it works. I guess I do need the happy pills but I don’t want to take them while pregnant so am trying to manage the best I can. In all honesty, I have to admit that I really have come a long way and I do need to cut myself some slack because I AM getting there, just not at the speed I want!
I desperately want to quit smoking, it is not something I am trying to force because the desire is there and I certainly felt ready to embark on this journey on Monday. I can’t understand how I can want something so badly and yet sabotage my efforts every time. I guess I still have a lot of learning to do?
I am overwhelmed by the support I received from you all yesterday. A fresh rush of tears overcame me this morning as I read all your comments. I can’t say enough how appreciative I am that so many of you took the time to read my sorry outpouring and to then reply. THANK YOU seems too small a statement, but it comes from the bottom of my heart and with the utmost gratitude.
As stubborn as the mule I believed I was, I have reset my date again. And if I have to, I’ll damn well reset it again and again and again, until I finally conquer this demon. This is thanks to you guys, for I doubt I would ever have had the courage or self-belief or found the strength to keep going without all of your support.
Thank you for being there for me, for understanding, for not judging and for caring.
All my love,