Didn't sleep well last night. I was still stewed up about my mother's comments on Sunday.

I also had two other extra stress creating things today. Including a complaint to the building manager about rats in the ceiling, and how I think they are getting there (don't ask, she was horrified).

I think normally I would have soldiered on and gone to work. Today I just couldn't cope. I phoned my boss, explained that for reasons I didn't want to give, but are unrelated to work, I was too stressed to work and asked for a day's annual leave at zero notice. Luckily he said "Yes" without argument.

I hate to think how I would have got through the day if he'd said "No". I doubt I would have done any programming worth having.

I've spent most of the day writing a long letter to my mother about Sunday. Explaining how thrown I was by her dragging something up from 43 years ago and denying her allegation as to my responsibility (I don't think the facts themselves are greatly in dispute). I have no idea if I'll send it, but I think writing it helped me. It basically concluded "Yes I was nasty and cruel. I was a child, children often are nasty and cruel. In my child mind it wasn't even that, but of simple self defence. I was taking the only steps my child mind could think of to try and protect myself from your abdication of your responsibility as my parent to protect me and my brothers. Until Sunday I assumed that I had long since moved on. Your bringing it up brought back that feeling of betrayal you engendered in me. I can understand the guilt you must feel, and can see how you might wish to avoid it, but you must accept it if you are to be at peace with yourself."

I had mild desires for a cigarette early afternoon and then slightly stronger about 1/2 an hour ago (Which is why I'm writing this blog, now ... displacement). Despite the extra stress I didn't have as strong a desire as yesterday.

I did go out to my smoking spot on the back porch a couple of times. Not to smoke, just to stand and think.

Let's hope I sleep well tonight.

Posted in

Chewing gum

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Comments

  • avatar-icon
    Nana22 said:
    10 September 2014

    Any way you look at it 5 days ofbeing smokefree is great. You did the right thing by taking the day off if you're that stressed - everyone needs a mental health day now and then just for a bit of space and to calm ourselves. You have very good self awareness which will also be a big help on this journey. I do hope you feel better after writing the letter to your Mum - but please think carefully about sending it. Maybe a symbolic burning would be just as healing for you, with no extra hurting involved. You know best and i'm sorry if i've overstepped boundaries. Stay strong in your quest to rid yourself of the fags. I know you can do it.

  • avatar-icon
    Julia C said:
    10 September 2014

    Thanks Nana,



    "Maybe a symbolic burning" Somehow I don't think I'd want to burn my mother at the stake, not even symbolically or in effigy.



    Seriously, it's "written" on disk, so I'd just delete it if I decided not to use it.



    I need to think it through thoroughly. I'll know when I have the right answer for me.

  • avatar-icon
    fagoff said:
    10 September 2014

    You've done well not to unowot over that m8 that's a biggie. good on you for looking after yourself today .im early days and feel its not a good time for making big decisions if I can help it .maybe put the letter aside until you feel sure about how to proceed.what your doing with your quit is most important eh.hope that's helpful m8

  • avatar-icon
    Nana22 said:
    10 September 2014

    Oooh i agree no burning the mum, never meant to suggest that!

  • avatar-icon
    Cheekyhua said:
    10 September 2014

    *gallops around in a circle offering pink smoker lollies* hehehehe Good on you Bruce, I understand the writing part, it allows you to get everything out... a form of absolute non-judgemental venting :) I go out on my deck where I smoked all the time... it isn't to smoke to me when I stand out on the deck I think of the past and present... the smoker me and the non smoker... and the journey continues *gallops away throwing pink smokers all over the place*

  • avatar-icon
    AXL said:
    10 September 2014

    Hey Bruce, I had an argument with my mum last week. I stormed out and when I got home. I calmed down a bit and rang her and apologised. Even though when I thought about it later, she was wrong. We are all sweet now.

    Just a thought.

    You don't need stress at this time

    Stay strong Bruce. You WILL succeed☺

  • avatar-icon
    aimee7 said:
    10 September 2014

    Stay strong Bruce you are doing well!! Hard things to deal with :(



    Positive thoughts your way :)

  • avatar-icon
    sunray said:
    10 September 2014

    Take care Bruce ..stay strong you are doing great. Good on you for blogging getting it all out. ⭐

  • avatar-icon
    Julia C said:
    10 September 2014

    LOL @Cheekyhua ... Why do they call them smokers? Is it like the red dye in saveloys that's supposed to make them look like they're smoked?



    Um, no, I just read the wikipedia article on saveloys .... don't go there; the original saveloys were zombie food.

  • avatar-icon
    Genzo said:
    10 September 2014

    firstly well done to keep yourself smokefree, taht was for sure the right choice...

    secondly writing helps for sure, you'll decide if it is right to send it or not, everyone has their relationship with their parents...for instance i don't speak with my mother, just some whattsapp txt once a month or something like that...



    can i give you a suggestion? try some new activities, maybe some sport will be great idea...it help to relax you when you are nervous and it helps your body to clean faster from all the dirty things you were smoking inside