Gosh I’ve written blogs like this so many times but this is by far the hardest one. I wish I could just stick my head in the sand and pretend everything’s okay but I can’t. I didn’t want to blog this but I have to, I owe it to my friends. I can’t just disappear and leave everyone wondering.

I need to say that I am so sorry for letting everyone down, not just my children, my husband, myself, but also my treasured quit family who mean so much to me and have supported me through thick and thin. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this, what I have done disgusts me.

In an effort to refrain from name-calling, I have no excuse. I’m tired. I’m sick. I’m sad. I’ve just had enough of this thing called life. How long before I stop crying that I just want my Mum?

No, smoking hasn’t changed a thing. It just served to reinforce everything I thought I’d already learned. I suppose that has to count for something, with any luck this will be the last time I take this lesson.

Anyway, clearly my quit plan needs refining. I’m not a fighter and I need to be. I need to fight to stay smokefree. I have to stop giving up when life gets too hard.

As punishment for my foolhardiness, I have confiscated all of my smokefree treats and am about to remove my chipped nail polish. I know I will be back on the wagon soon but probably not so publicly, I’m tired of embarrassing myself by announcing I’ve cracked it, only to have to later slink away ashamed.

Please everyone, stay strong. While I’m a terrible example, I’m still supporting you all, all the way.

All my love,
H ♥

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Comments

  • avatar-icon
    clarence the cat said:
    15 April 2013

    Heiro. You are still too hard on yourself. You will succeed in your SMOKEFREE quest when the time is right. You are trying so hard and sometimes I wonder if it's too hard. Relax a little and realize that this your game and you can call it how you see fit. No pressure. Take a break now and I will be watching out for you at a later date. Take care.xx

  • avatar-icon
    DragonLips said:
    15 April 2013

    Aww darling, don't beat yourself up. We still love you and we care so don't cry. You are not a bad example at all, in fact you were the one who drew me to this wonderful site in the first place! The humour and support you gave me in my early days of quitting got me through and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for your support. I'm so glad you blogged as I was wondering how you were. Not so good as it turns out. I so wish I could give you big hugs and make everything alright in your world. **Cyber flowers and Cyber hugs your way** We so understand where you are coming from. This addiction is HARD to beat! As Kaanon has said it sometimes takes a few attempts, with a lesson learnt each time. You can be sure we will be here ready to support you when you are ready to give it another crack. I'm sure gonna miss you (and your witty comments, pom poms and bingo calls) but hopefully not for too long. Hope you keep reading the blogs. Putting on nail polish always reminds me of you now :) Take care sweets and don't stray too far. xx

  • avatar-icon
    Maanu said:
    15 April 2013

    Thx for the blog. Your not the only one to relapse so don't beat yourself up over it. Removing your quit treats is a good idea like that a lot. Sounds like your not ready to jump str8 back on the wagon. Take the time you need to get yourself ready figure out what went wrong and come up with a strategy to cope with it better. When your ready set a date. Take it easy on yourself quitting can be tough. Don't make it so hard you give up. When your ready you can start again. It gets a bit easier with each attempt. You have learnt many lessons and have tasted the joy of being smoke-free. I'm sure you'll join us again when your ready. You got a lot of freinds on here that care about you

  • avatar-icon
    roady12 said:
    15 April 2013

    Hi Heiro Don't come down hard on yourself we all know that kicking this is not going to be easy and the path is a long one as a well-known Chinese fellow said



    IF You Get Up One More Time Than You Fall You will Make It Through

    Translation = Never Give Up

    See you soon



    N

  • avatar-icon
    clematis said:
    15 April 2013

    Am feeling a bit tearful myself, heiro, on reading your blog and I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. I think the main thing has already been said. This is YOUR journey and no-one but no-one thinks it's easy. Wouldn't it be great if it all went perfectly but that's not real. I still don't think anyone here has relapsed as much as I have hon. Sending you love and hugs, and I know you're going to get there - luv clem x

  • avatar-icon
    Fireman said:
    15 April 2013

    First of all this is is a no blame Programme , if it was many of us would never make it. Relapses happen. So stop being sorry for yourself, it doesn't help.

    Second, close your eyes and see someone else other than yourself fall. Feel that compassion you have towards that person. Then focus it on yourself.

    Third, get back on the programme as soon as possible if not sooner.

    Fourth, don't go incognito, you can't do it alone you need to use blog to know you are not alone and you have so much to offer us all.

    Your have reach that point that you can't live without smoking and can't live with it. This is really good place to be. All that has happened is you have had some horrific events in your life and you just have not quite learnt the skills to get thru them smoke free. And to learn this experience is key.

    I just know your time will come until then may the force be with you, I wish you all the best

  • avatar-icon
    MollyMuppet said:
    15 April 2013

    Heiro, reading your blog bought a tear to my eye. Please do not be so hard on yourself. Life does deal some awful cards that are out of our control. You need to find some peace with in yourself to move forward. I do not know you but I know from reading your blogs and your replies to fellow quitters you are a good person who supports and encourages all on this site.



    I have had some issues and things over the years, and most recent my father has been given just a few months to live. But talking to the Physiotherapist putting things into perspective made a big impact. Then I went to the hypnotherapist for my smoking but we covered lots of the other issues too. I cannot tell you how better I feel, and this is the most calm and in control I have ever been.



    Please find someone to talk to that will help you through this emotional time, you deserve to be at peace, I know it must be so hard but you can move through this with the right guidance… ♥

  • avatar-icon
    NZMum2Two said:
    15 April 2013

    Aww this actually brings tears to MY eyes too (which is not so good as I am at work). Don't be so hard on yourself. Lots of us fail - I am on about my 6th attempt to quit - previously managing as much as 10 months! Believe in yourself and try again! Don't be ashamed, and don't hide, we are all here to help you! xx

  • avatar-icon
    rainbowfish said:
    15 April 2013

    Oh Heiro, my heart is really sad for you because I know what you are going through right now. But there is no point beating yourself up, this is an addiction and when other areas in life aren't all peachy, then it becomes appealing to go back to our 'comfort zone'. Goodness knows I almost did it myself last night!

    I remember thinking the same too, about the whole doing this thing publicly. I embarrassed myself many a time, but there was only ever support in these blogs. Fireman is right, don't go incognito for too long sweetheart, because that will make you feel worse. These blogs work for you, they do. Let us help bring happiness to your days:) xx

    Putting on that cyber jug and making you the bestest cuppa ever - keep in touch my lovely.

  • avatar-icon
    Hollie said:
    15 April 2013

    Hi don't be so hard on yourself, after all we are all human and make lots of mistakes in our lives and hopefully we learn from them. Please please don't beat yourself up, just be proud of what you achieved and think yes I can continue to do that. I know you can and so do you.

  • avatar-icon
    Pop's said:
    15 April 2013

    Hello Heiro. Please do not be hard on yourself. Firstly, we all love you. Since coming on board nearly 6 months ago, you were one of several that i become especially attached to. You were always there, with your inspiring Blogs. You have helped me & countless others. So for that. a big thankyou.

    Do not feel in anyway that you should feel shame or have let anyone down. You have done neither. What you have is exhibited that you are like all us Any one of us are vunerable to lifes pressures. That Demon has that terrible ability to pour all it's resourses into things that sadden us.



    You will be back & we of course will be here to welcome you.



    Heiro. a personal note from me. You are the "Epitome" of what this Site is all about. You have given Blogs a new meaning & they will not be the same until PomPoms & Bingo calls are back.



    Take care.

  • avatar-icon
    smokingsux said:
    15 April 2013

    I can so relate to ur post. Last year I quit for three months with help from the quitline. Then some drama happened and I used that as an excuse to start smoking again. I didn't even have the guts to tell evry1 on the blogs what had happened. I just disappeared into my old ways. I smoked for nine months and finally decided I was so over smoking and I had to quit again. I think it can take many attempts to become a non smoker. Don't be hard on yourself coz so many of us kw exactly how u r feeling. Just do it when u feel u r ready and do it for yourself not any1 else. Each time u slip up or relapse u learn a lesson as to why u smoke and hopefully in ur nxt attempt u will b stronger for it. Gd luck, hope u try again soon ;))

  • avatar-icon
    M-dog said:
    15 April 2013

    Heiro,



    You ahve nothing to be embarrased about. Your quit family will always be here. We have all slipped up (well most of us have, some of us several times). The important thing is to look at what you have achived (you have been smokefree more than you hyave been a smoker over say the last year!), and relish in the knowedge that you can get through a day without a cigg.



    If you need a break, take one. But dont be a stranger. You know you can do it - come back when you can!

  • avatar-icon
    Julz1981 said:
    15 April 2013

    Hi Heiro

    Good to hear from you. I know this will sound harsh, but you are in a good place, you are feeling and this sounds like it has been sitting inside for a long time. I do know how you feel, not just through smoking but from being an alcoholic. Addiction when lapsing makes us feel helpless, hopeless, shame, guilt and the rest of the never ending list (I know I relapsed 1000 times before something clicked).

    The best thing is you have spoken about. We are our worst punishers (we would never treat our friends the way we treat ourselves); I have seen the love you have given people when they have lapse. Your punisher will keep you stuck if you don't think 'f it, I lapsed' - so what!

    Help others, get out of your self.

    Stay.

    We love you.

  • avatar-icon
    Jodzta said:
    15 April 2013

    Kia kaha ♡

  • avatar-icon
    Hollie said:
    15 April 2013

    Hi Heiro



    Just been thinking about you while I was sitting on the deck having a smokefree coffee. I don't believe you should take those smokefree treats away from yourself - you earned them - and you will again. Keep strong and come back when you feel like it. I really like the fact that you were so open and honest. Take care.

  • avatar-icon
    Saffron said:
    15 April 2013

    Dear heiro,

    I'm SO relieved to hear from you. Thank you for blogging. I was getting very concerned about you. I still am. Please, please be kind and gentle to yourself. To hear that you're depriving yourself of treats is upsetting to me. You don't need punishment, you need love.

    Are you getting some help for the way you're feeling?

    I've felt the same - that life isn't worth the effort, so I can relate.

    I feel so helpless. I wish I had a way to talk to you properly, instead of just commenting like this.

    I only logged on to see if there was a post from you - I'm about to leave home to take my cat to the vet - just a check-up.

    Please know you're being sent vibes of love and abundance and support.

    Do whatever you need to make yourself feel better.

    And please come back soon.

  • avatar-icon
    Mitchee said:
    15 April 2013

    Nnnaawww my dear friend I'd been wondering where your been, & how you've been...if anything I'm just relieved to hear from you☺

    Buddy be kind to yourself, please don't discount everything you have achieved to date...that is huge!!!! The thing that sticks out for me, is your great perserverance at wanting to beat this addiction & you will....I have sooooo much faith in you, & by the way I am so NOT disappointed with you. It is a journey which never ends, there is no final destination, it is a life long journey.

    If I could I would give you a big as cuddle & then kick you up the butt & tell you not to be so hard on yourself☺♥

    You have been a true supporter to us, & through you & many of my other supporters I have learnt alot. Please don't be a stranger as we would miss you greatly. No shame here girl....keep your head up & walk with pride. Stay strong sweetheart ..... big ♥ to you☺☼

  • avatar-icon
    Gabby38 said:
    15 April 2013

    Every body has said what I am thinking. Come quit buddy be kind to yourself. I have slipped so many times and please don't be embrassed you make this site special

  • avatar-icon
    cometgirl said:
    15 April 2013

    oh heiro your blog frightens me. I hope you are ok. I wish I knew you in the real world because I would be on your doorstep with wine, tissues and open arms (but no cigarettes!) after a post like that. I hope you are telling your nearest and dearest how your feel as honestly as you told us so that they can look after you. Take care my friend and come back to us soon x

  • avatar-icon
    franfree said:
    15 April 2013

    Hey lovely, do not beat yourself up. You have not let anyone down, you have slipped up and well since none of us are perfect I guess it is just human to make mistakes. All good heiro we are here for whenever you choose and i admire your courage for fessing up :)

  • avatar-icon
    Soldier on said:
    15 April 2013

    Hey there heiro, I am soo sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time at the mo. when I stopped for that 2 years, I felt really bad, I know that you are supposed to feel great, right, well physically I did, but mentally I was a mess. I too was very sad and got really sick. I went back to the ciggs, and for ME at that time it was just what I had to do. I am not by any means encouraging the ciggies, I guess what I am trying to say is that this is just not the time. This time I am doing really well and have none of the problems I had in the previous quit, so I know that when the time is rite for YOU, it will happen, and you won't be sad, I promise. Take care heiro.

  • avatar-icon
    Marni said:
    15 April 2013

    Dear sweet Heiro - you're such a darling person and you are suffering such grief - I think losing one's Mum has to be the hardest hurdle I, for one, have ever handled. Hope this is helpful - I have my treasured Mum's ashes in a beautiful china urn under a gum tree (we're Aussies) in my garden. There's a lot more I'd like to share as it's helped me enormously - I'll send it in a private note if you think it may help you. I'm really feeling for you and sending warm ((((hugs)))) and smiles :))))) Take care xxx

  • avatar-icon
    heironymus said:
    15 April 2013

    Oh you guys, talk about being blown away! My goodness I am utterly speechless, you all are just amazing (as if I didn't know that already). I really don't know how to thank you all enough for your incredible, overwhelming support. Not to mention all the cyber hugs, cuppas, flowers, tissues and wine being sent my way! I had tears writing this blog and I now have tears having read all your heartfelt comments.



    I will be okay. I am going for more tests tomorrow which will hopefully reveal why I’ve been so sick for the past month. Have sort of talked to hubby about how I’m feeling but he’s got so much on his plate I really don’t want to add to his stress. It would probably be a good idea to talk to a counsellor I think but it’s a daunting (not to mention expensive) process trying to find someone I feel comfortable with… we are new(ish) to this area and the lady I used to see is nearly an hour’s drive away.



    At least I got some good news from my insurance company today, confirmation that the other party has been found liable for the accident I was involved in. I’m not very well versed at this sort of thing and was so worried about it all. This is a huge a weight off my mind, and yay my car will be getting repaired next week.



    As if I could manage to go under the radar on my next quit, I could never stay away! My heart is here. I love you guys xxx THANK YOU!!!!! ♥ I will be back, I promise.



    Marni, thank you. This loss for me has been devastating, Mum was my very best friend and was ALWAYS there for me, no matter what, to listen, to comfort, to do whatever she could to help me. Without her I am lost, lonely and all alone and I miss her so, so much. It’s been over two years since she passed away and yet the grief seems to deepen. I need her now more than I ever have and she’s not here. I have to say I feel rather hard done by! I really appreciate your words, thank you xxx

  • avatar-icon
    steppa said:
    15 April 2013

    I really don't know what to add to what everyone else has said except maybe to remind you that relapses happen and that we are all here for you no matter what.

    Thoughts are with you and keep your chin up.

    As my daughter says - when you are sad picture a T. rex trying to put on a hat :)

  • avatar-icon
    Worker said:
    15 April 2013

    Heiro my friend. I know its all been said but I dont care Im saying it again. I too wish I could come to you and give you proper hugs, hankies and flowers. I know you will be back with us soon. In your time. Your doc will be able to point you in the direction of a councillor - hopefully for free. Presbyterian support services have some awesome councillors. I dont think you should take away your treats - you earned them at the time. On the flip side look at all of those cigs you havnt smoked so your body has to be better for that. I strongly recommend that you find the time with your man to sit and talk - thats what a partnership is all about my sweet and at the end of the day he deserves to know where youre at too eh. See you soon my friend. Lots of love to you.

  • avatar-icon
    PokuruGirl said:
    15 April 2013

    Hey Hiero, one of my favourite bloggers. Do not be despondent nor disheartened. I have always sensed in you the iron core needed to beat this addiction. So, life has thrown you so many challenges and you face them all with humour and determination. No one here feels any disappointment, only disappointment that you are feeling so bad. Chin up, eyes forward and hop right back on that train. And please please keep your pretty nails - they mean so much to you and you deserve to have them.

  • avatar-icon
    PokuruGirl said:
    15 April 2013

    PSPSP here Hero. And I use the word Hero deliberately. Because that is what you are and will ever be-a hero in our eyes.



    You have not let anyone down. You have not let yourself now. What has happened has happened to us all.



    PLease do not be so hard on yourself We will never desert nor judge you. You are one of the best and most supportive friends we have on this site.



    People have said it before. Whatever happens is all part of the learning and this experience will make you that much stronger when you come back on.



    So keep you nail polish, keep your self belief and banish the words failure and disgust from your vocab. You are a hero and that is reinforced by the fact that you had the courage and dignity to come on here and share with us.

  • avatar-icon
    Barbs50 said:
    15 April 2013

    Hiero all I can say is do what you need to do and come back when your ready, my heart go's out to you my dear friend and thank you so much for being there for me over my quit time, I hope I can return the support when you come back. Take care my dear friend xx :))

  • avatar-icon
    Powertous said:
    15 April 2013

    Dear Hiero,

    I know the feeling of just wanting to slink away and hide in the dark and let emotions, negative self-talk or plain sadness swirl around in one's head and heart. I hope your doctor will be able to pinpoint why you are not feeling well. That would be a good start. It is very hard to get out of a funk when one doesn't know why one feels unwell.



    It doesn't hurt to eat humble pie now and again. Most of us here in quitland just can't help themselves from having a slice or two or three ...... ;-) PS: I am so missing your bingo calls! A huge hug !!!! from Powertous



  • avatar-icon
    PYTnz said:
    15 April 2013

    Its not the end, not by a long shot Hero...

    I will cont to support u as you have supported me. :)



    You are my nail polish buddy and I really appreaciate all the love and care you have offered me. xxx

  • avatar-icon
    worksux said:
    15 April 2013

    Jeepers, you got me crying now!!! Come back, keep talking to us, I need people like you, so honest, so real, so normal!! Please dont punish yourself so badly, you earned a few treats and when you get over this hurdle, will earn a few more. Please please come back ? Its ok to cry for your mum, I cry for my son every day and you are right smoking doesnt change any of it. Hope to see you back here soon...oh and put that smoke out you dont need it you got us here for support. xx

  • avatar-icon
    Yorkshire Lass said:
    15 April 2013

    Please don`t be so hard on yourself Heiro....Show yourself some of that compassion you so readily share with others. You have been such a help to so many of us on this site, we all want to help you over this hurdle. When you are ready please get back here, and in the meantime paint those nails to remind you of your achievements. We will all miss you. Take care Heiro, God Bless You and I hope it`s not too long till we see you here again.

  • avatar-icon
    Susie said:
    15 April 2013

    Take care and look after yourself. When the time's right you will succeed you are such a strong person.

  • avatar-icon
    Lit'l Bear said:
    15 April 2013

    HERO HERO HERO - you would never be so hard on any of us. Cripes, you fell off the wagon, not committed murder - heaven help us it could be anyone of us.



    Big big hugs. theres nothing else I can add that everyone else has not said.- we loves ya and we are all right behind you



    Now get those polishes out and look at this (google nail art - images - amazing)



    https://www.google.co.nz/search?q=nail+art&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=JrRrUaqkOoXuiAe4xYDACQ&ved=0CD0QsAQ&biw=818&bih=627

  • avatar-icon
    Kathry said:
    15 April 2013

    Please be kind to yourself, you did so well and you can do it again. Keep blogging, let us continue to support you and take care. All the best.

  • avatar-icon
    Rural girl said:
    15 April 2013

    Dear heiro, my thoughts are with you, good luck for your tests, I hope everything is ok. Dispite what your husband has on his plate, I'm sure your feelings are more important to him, hang in there. Sometimes just writing your thoughts down help to get it out. Be kind to yourself, we can all see what a beautiful person you are, I'm sure you make your mum proud. : )

  • avatar-icon
    Saffron said:
    16 April 2013

    Thinking of you as you go for your tests, heiro. Please keep us up-to-date with the results. I'm glad you've spoken to your husband; please keep that up too! You deserve and need his support, no matter what his stresses are. I bet you support him.



    You could ask the counsellor you used to see if she can recommend someone for you, maybe? It would be good to find someone you can talk to about your grief.

    I was/am an only child and my Mum was my best friend. When she died suddenly I was totally devastated. It's the worst thing in the world to me, not having her here.



    Great news about the other party in the accident being liable for the accident - that's one thing you can cross off your list of worries. Phew!



    Always sending you lightwaves of love and compassion :)













  • avatar-icon
    Julz1981 said:
    17 April 2013

    Heiro you are missing everyone's birthdays :(

  • avatar-icon
    yas01 said:
    17 April 2013

    Heiro, you are one amazing person. You are very much like me you dont give up giving up.

    You can & will do this. Im back to day 1 today after qutting for 9mths last year and then restarted.

    Stay strong sweets xx

  • avatar-icon
    magenta said:
    17 April 2013

    Hi heiro , I feel so sad reading your blog . I wish you all the luck in the world for your test results. Please do not stopping coming onto this cite even if you are smoking again. You are being far far too hard on yourself , you are human and that is why there are so many people posting blogs on your cite , we all love you and sorry selfish I know but we need you - smoking or not smoking ! Please take time out for yourself and your family but please don't totally leave us . Sending you hugs and best wishes. Keep strong for yourself , you are a wonderful person .

  • avatar-icon
    Julz1981 said:
    18 April 2013

    Hey good to hear from you.

    Not good to hear you have a diagnosis that you were not hoping for. Hope it isn't serious?

    I miss you. You WILL ge through this.

    Love x

  • avatar-icon
    Didee said:
    19 April 2019

    You sound a bit like me and im over it too, . Try again with me, we could egg each other on After this easter break its all go for me. Doctor away on holiday but when is back he will have a mad women on his doorstep Dont be ashamed you have nothing to answer to .I will let you know when i start, Stuffef up Again from Didee